I wasn't expecting this. I've been doing so well, remaining very zen about the upcoming big day. I was feeling so good. Sunny. Smiley. Happy. This morning I woke up overcome with anxiety. I've never had a panic attack, but I would say that I am well on my way. I have waves of nausea sweeping over me. I am barely breathing. I need to keep reminding myself to breathe deep. It's just spinning in my head. What if, what if, what if. There is just one what if haunting me today. What if my eggs are no good. My potentially rotten eggs. Tiny stink bombs waiting to explode all over my life. A doctor would tell you that I am of advanced maternal age. That means I am older than 35. I am in fact 39. I have no reason to think that there is anything wrong with my eggs other than the fact they they are old. So far my eggs have done well. I have excellent ovarian reserves for a woman my age. When Dr. Seven retrieved my eggs he got 10 of them, once again a great number. Of the 10 eggs, nine fertilized and continued to grow making it to the freezer. That is an EXCELLENT result. I'm going to stop for a moment and say "Well done Dizzy!!!! Go me!!!" I'll admit it, I was proud when we got our fertilization reports. I felt me body had finally done something right, but what if... What if, just when I think we might be there, the other shoe drops. What if the problem isn't just my uterus, what if I have rotten eggs too. I'd like to think I have been through enough hell and this is when it starts to get easy, but who knows. I know many people who would laugh at what I have been through over the past few year and say it was nothing compared to what they have endured. What if this is just the beginning of our battle? I don't know how much more of this I can take. I try and tell myself to take it one day at a time. Easier said than done. As much as I want to let the balloons take me away from all of this fear, into a place of hope, I don't want to set myself up for a fall. It could happen. My eggs could suck. I know plenty of women, some in their 20's with rotten eggs. I guess I just can't let myself believe that this might be my time. Part of me keeps saying "how dare you, what makes you think it's going to be this easy". Is this my time or are hundreds of little stink bombs about to rain down on my life?
Be happy in the moment, for all the small 'moments' that you've overcome! You should definitely be proud. Ten eggs and nine of them fertilized!!!!!! If they were crappy, I doubt you would have such a good number and I doubt they would have fertilized to begin with! That is awesome, lady, and i would say that you've done your part. Sometimes we have to adjust our expectations and find the optimal level of normalcy or perfection that's suited for us. You've reached that for yourself and whatever happens now is just about the stats of it ... that 35% success rate has nothing to do with what you've done or not done!! the embryos are there and you've done your best. it's so hard for me to accept this for myself and i still struggle with it, so i can understand your anxiety.
ReplyDeletei'm thinking that you could use a massage and some pampering too :)
i'll be thinking of you!