Lessons Learned

Lesson #1: Relinquishing Control

Okay. FINE. I will admit it. I am a control freak. There. I said it. Happy now???? I have never denied it. Some may think this is a bad thing, but it has served me well in my career and in building my life. Sure, there are times when I go overboard. I am working on that. As I tell My Love all the time, it's very hard to live in my head. There is so much going on all the time. Thinking, worrying, planning and strategizing. Then that ends it’s strategizing, planning worrying and thinking. It'll all quite exhausting really. I wish I could turn it off sometimes.

I can totally picture it. For me the universe, God, whatever you want to call it, can take many forms. In this instance I am picturing Cheech and Chong, who happened to be particularly stoned that day. They are laughing. "Look at that chick." Cheech says, looking down on me from the cloud of pot smoke he’s floating on. "She thinks she can control everything. She’s got her whole life planned out. She needs to loosen up man. We need to fuck with her." Chong starts laughing and says "DUDE, that chick wants babies and BAD. She's been waiting her whole life. She’s going to start trying on her wedding night and thinks she’ll have a baby 9 months later. Let's make her wait. Really wait. Like for YEARS!!!" This is where they start doing their stoner laugh. They think this is PERFECT. They stop to take another hit on the bong, and Cheech thinks for a moment as he holds in the smoke. As he exhales and says to Chong, "Wait, wait, wait. I have an even better idea. Let's make it so she has to find someone else to have her baby!!!" This is where they start laughing so hard the tears start falling. The high fives are flying. They have trouble breathing. They double over they are laughing so hard. Frankly I’m worried they are going to fall off the damn cloud. "Holy shit dude, she is going to lose it!!!!!!!!!!" Hilarity ensues. Cue music. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBQxG0Z72qM. Fade out.

That’s how it all started. Funny guys. Really funny. For a while it sucked. I knew Cheech and Chong were trying to teach me a lesson. I know it was a valuable lesson that would make me a better person, but that doesn’t really make the homework easier, especially when you are a slow learner.

Lesson #2: You Don't Have To Do It All Yourself

I can do it myself!!!!!!! <<Insert stomping feet here.>> I've been feisty like that since I was young. I never needed anyone else. As I've said before, my view is that most people need to man up! Stop complaining. Sort your shit out! I can do it myself and you should be able to as well. Bwahahahaha says the universe. I was wrong again. Not only do I need the help of my family and friends, THEY need to help me, it makes them feel better. Who knew???

I thought My Love was the luckiest guy ever to have such a capable wife. I never needed to lean on him. I wasn't one of those clingy, useless women who always needed something. I need nothing. I could do it myself. That was the case until the day that I couldn't. Until the first day I would not have survived without him. The day that he cried because he could stand to see me cry any more and I just couldn’t stop. We wouldn't be where we are today if he hadn't tied his balloon to me, put me in the car and held my hand through the appointment with the doctor. I finally let him help.  I've learned that sometimes I need help and he is capable of helping.  I take that back. He is more than capable. He's a rock star. Best helper ever. It wasn't that he couldn't do it. The problem had been that I never gave him a chance to.  It was my problem. Now it's not. I let him help with almost everything now, even dinner.

Lesson #3: Getting there is Half the Fun

I thought this was a lesson I already had down pat. I never lived my life waiting for it to begin. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I didn't sit around waiting for Prince Charming to show up. I made my own money, bought my own diamond rings and got on with it. There was no living with milk crates until I moved into a house. I made everywhere I lived my home. When we first starting trying to have a baby and seeing doctors I kept living my life. We kept living our lives. About a year ago it all stopped. I can't tell you why it happened, all I can tell you is that it did. This year My Love and I have made a concerted effort to live again. Many wise people have expressed this in different ways over the years:

We are always getting ready to live but never living. Ralph Waldo Emerson

The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln

Frank, the man who leads my new church and doesn't seem to go by his title "Reverend" sent me a poem that says it beautifully. Here is a summary stolen directly from Wikipedia, I still suggest you take a minute to read the poem itself: The theme is that enjoyment of the journey of life, and the increasing maturity of the soul as that journey continues, are all the traveler can ask.

Ithaca
Constantine Cavafy
When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road’s a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon -- do not fear them:
You won’t find them on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty and a fine
emotion touches your spirit.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you won’t encounter them,
unless you carry them within your soul.
Pray that the road is long.
May there be many a summer morning, when,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensual perfumes of all kinds,
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to discover new things and to learn from scholars.
Always keep (your home in) Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to finally arrive at the island when you are old,
wealthy with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca to make you rich.
Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would have never set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, filled with so much experience,
you will finally understand what an Ithaca means.

Lesson learned.