Meatloaf

Hello meatloaf.

I seem to be saying this a lot these days. I'm not sure if all of the self awareness I have been achieving lately is due to my advanced maternal age or if I am in and out of the stress pit so often these days I would be a moron not to see it. Either way, I have come to realize how I react to anxiety.

1-I eat. I eat just about anything in my path, but I prefer the following: 'wichcraft's meatloaf, cheddar and bacon sandwich, apple fritters from Starbucks, chocolate peanut butter ice cream, entire boxes of Stovetop Stuffing, squishy cheddar rolls by the half dozen, deep fried shredded beef from my favorite Chinese place and Stouffer's French Bread Pizza's with the Deluxe toppings. I eat to try and quell the nausea, but it doesn't work.

2- I refuse to go to sleep even when exhausted. I stay awake until midnight on school nights creating 12 column spreadsheets tracking what we planted in our vegetable garden this year. The latin names of all of these veggies is going to be helpful isn't it??

3. I find that I am unable to take deep breaths. I do this weird shallow breating all day long that makes me feel like I am wearing a corset. No matter home many times I try to meditate and breathe deep I keep going back to the corset breathing.

The result is the following. I wake up for work exhausted, go to Starbucks for coffee which I NEVER drank until 6 months ago, eat everything in sight and shake all day long while trying not to hyperventilate from my self imposed stress corset that I tighten every day. Good times. Good times.

On top of this I have flip flopped on an issue a few times and have changed my mind AGAIN. Initially I asked Ginny to tell me if she got a BFP so I could tell My Love. I always felt it would make me feel more like a “normal” woman who pees on a stick and then give her hubby the news. Then after the last transfer I asked her to Skype us so she could tell us together and see our reaction. She is doing so much for us I felt that we should give her that gift of seeing how happy we are. Now, I’ve gone back to wanting to tell him myself. I want it to be a private thing between us. Is it wrong to take this away from her after I’ve already “given” it to her? I don't know, but I have asked. I hope she is okay with that. Why do I have to feel go much guilt about everything???? Ugh. This does not help my anxiety level.

My meatloaf sandwich should be arriving any minute now.