The Rollercoaster

It's going to be a long day with lots of ups and downs, so I thought it might be best to write as the feelings come up and them post as one big post later.

7:00am Feeling okay. My Love drives me to my commuter train every day. This morning on our drive I told him I knew it was over. Something should have show up on the home pregnancy tests by now, but (of course there is a but) there is a ltttle tiny bit of my heart hoping that there will be a miracle and we will get a decent number. My head says "no way, give it up". My heart says "buy just maybe...". As much as I hate my heart for it's little balloons that always float me up and send me crashing down, we would never have made it this far if we weren't able to maintain that little bit of hope.

7:30am My cousin who lives nearby emails me to see how I am. I tell him I am not so well. I have called off my trip to visit my grandmother this weekend. The guilt is terrible, but the drive to see her is 6-7 each hours each way and I doubt that I could survive 12-14 hours alone with my thoughts. He invites me to a barbeque at his apartment in Brookyln with the following sentence "You need to get the fuck out of the burbs and away from all those fucking breeders and hang out with a group of fun queers!" I am beyond thrilled to have this to look forward to in the middle of my weekend. My very favorite uncle will also be there. There is nothing like a group of gay men to lift your spirits. He's one of the kindest, most thoughtful, generous men I have ever met. When we do have children he is assigned to be their guardian if anything should happen to me and My Love. Of everyone we know his values are the closest to ours and he would give them the open-minded adventurous lifestyle we hope to give our children. We would teach them to be compassionate, kind, generous, hard working and fun. He is the total package. Now I just wish I could find him a husband!

8:41am Looked at the clock and realized that as I sat at my desk distracted, but working, Ginny was at the doctor having her blood drawn. The guilt over how much of her life is dedicated to our dreams pushes down on me.

9:15am Buckled and took a Xanax. I got yelled at because a 30something guy who works in my office and makes around a million dollars a year is a lazy ass fuck and can't so his job. It's now my job to micromanage him. I seriously considered quiting. I had two headhunters call me yesterday about jobs that would cut my commute from 3 1/2 hours a day to about 1 hour a day with similar pay. I want to take them SO badly. The only thing holding me back is the fact that my current job offers me the flexibilty to take time off for all of the fertility crap. I feel so trapped.

10:00am Starting to think about what to order for lunch. I am thinking Chinese. Something nice and greasy and spicy might help a little.

10:20am Work is no match for the distraction I am feeling. Keep trying to focus, but no luck. I just found my self hoping for an assasination, terrorist attack, war or natural disaster that might really capture my attention for the next few hours. That is just sick and wrong.

10:31am I have gotten some lovely pep talks from a few of my infertile friends today. I call them my war buddies. As much as my fertile friends try to understand what we go through, you can never really get it unless you have lived it. I love them so much and treasure their friendship.

10:38am Just went though facebook and just counted all of my pregnant friends. I have TWELVE of them (some infertile, some not) with three more that are going through fertility treatments. That's like 9% of my friends. How is that possible???? Don't get me wrong, I am happy for each and every one of them and would never wish infertility on my worst enemy, but come on. That's a little ridiculous! THROW ME A BONE HERE!!!!!!!!!!

11:32am I need to pee, but I am afraid to leave my desk. What if the doctor calls???
12:00pm Took my cellphone to the bathroom and had the fastest pee ever. Lunch is ordered. Starting to really get impatient. Any time now.

1:00pm Seriously, WTF. When am I getting a call?????????? This is starting to piss me off!!!!!!!!!!!!

1:14pm I feel like I am going to vomit. Stress, too much greasy Chinese or a combo? When do I call the doctor and ask if they have the results yet???? The problem is that Ginny's doctor gets them and then calls my doctor with them. I'm

1:19 In the middle of my last sentence the doctor called. Test was negative. I knew it was coming, but I'm still crying. Going to run some errands so the who office doesn't see me cry.