Emptiness

I'm still trying to process everything that happened/is happening to us. I don't feel sad most of the time. I just can't seem to move. I've finally set a timer and forced myself off the couch for 45 minutes. I've made the 10 foot trip to my desk. I've decided to leave the disaster in the kitchen for now. I think after a little nap I'll set the timer and force myself off the couch again and tackle that mess. I'm stuck at home for a little while. Normally that would be a treat for me, but I'm not making the best use of my time. I'm sitting at home waiting to have a miscarriage. Nope, not Ginny, me. I was/am pregnant. I guess I am right now since I haven't miscarried yet, but the gestational sac is empty. That means there won't be a baby. I'll give you a quick run down of what happened and then I'm going to pay some bills and get back to the couch. We were scheduled to have our final transfer with Ginny on the 23rd. My love and I were both really struggling in the weeks leading up to this. It was our last try. It was also a spectacularly stressful week at work for me. I was nauseous all week to the point of dry heaving. I attributed this to the obscene amount of stress I was feeling and lack of sleep. To make a long story short on the 17th we found out that I was pregnant. It was the biggest shock of our lives. We called Ginny and the doctor and cancelled the transfer that was set to happen in six days. It took a while to sink in, but we started to grow hopeful that we had been given a miracle. On Monday I went to the uterine specialist who said everything looked great. He said that if he'd been shown the ultrasound without knowing my history he'd think it was a "normal" uterus. Friday, the day after the transfer was supposed to happen, we went to the ob/gyn and found out the gestational sac was empty. There were several hours of phone calls with the doctors and we decided it was best to wait for me to have a natural miscarriage rather than a D&C which will most likely damage my crappy uterus further. So now I just wait. I could go to work, but really don't care to be there when I miscarry. It should happen within the next week. I am praying it happens sooner. It sucks to just wait. I want to go back to work and get on with my life. I also want to go visit my grandmother as we are supposed to for the holiday weekend. That's it for now. At some point I'll talk a little about how fucked up it is that I had let go of the dream of ever being pregnant and was then forced to wrap myself around the fact that I WAS pregnant. Yup. Fucked up.

If you are wondering what we are going to do next, I am not sure yet. I give up on plans.