As Expected...

Got the results today. Neither surrogate is pregnant. Oh well. It was worth a shot. 

The Real "Vacation" Photos

I am a huge fan of souvenirs, but my favorite thing to bring home from trips are photos. They help you remember all of the little moments and details that fade from our memories over time. We took hundreds of photos in India. It feels like I am living a lie though. Friends are seeing photos on Facebook like this one. The caption would say something like "Me and My Love at the Taj Mahal for our 4 year wedding anniversary". What it should say is: "Me and My Love at the Taj Mahal on the 4 year anniversary of trying to have a baby. It was a pretty depressing day." So, here are the real photos from the trip. 

This is a brand new baby girl born to a surrogate from Dr. Shavani's program. Her father and two other men who were there on their own either picking up their children or attempting to become fathers became my fast friends and looked after me until My Love arrived in Delhi. Thank you to Sean, Max and Pete for taking me under their wings!

This is a picture of me being followed down the street by a mob of children. The children in India were amazing. It took everything I had not to kidnap one of the precious street children who would beg for money each time our tuktuk came to a stop. Don't think the absurdity of our trip was lost on me. I looked into adopting from India. It's impossible unless we convert to another religion. Only about 250 children are adopted out of India a year. I'm toying with the idea of giving up on a baby altogether and just moving there to work in an orphanage. People who know me will know that I am serious. My Love is not enthusiastic about this plan. 

These are the meds that Dr Shivani's office kindly packed in a Styrofoam box full of ice packs for our trip to the Taj Mahal for our wedding anniversary. 

 Meds in the minibar fridge. 

One day's worth of meds  being prepped. 

This is the Salim Chisti Tomb. It is said that he preformed miracles. Mughal Emporer Akbar-e-Azam went to him to pray for a male heir to his kingdom and soon after was blessed with the first of three sons.  

This is me in the tomb. I am smiling, but I was in a miserable mood because I'd just had a fight with My Love. You have to donate a piece of cloth to be able to make a wish in the tomb. Of course the cloth was a rip off by local standards, but I didn't care. People come from all over to pray for children at this spot. My Love happened to be carrying all of our cash that day. I had to fight with him to get him to give me 100 rupees ($1.82). He was more worried about being ripped off then me being able to say a prayer. It was not a happy time for me. 

Once the tears came I finally managed to get the 100 rupees and the strings necessary to make prayers. You get three strings to tie to the screen to signify your wishes. I cannot tell tell you what my wishes were, but I'll bet you can figure out one of them. 

This is one day's worth of  a menopur type med. I don't remember what the name was. The four vials with the metal lids had a freeze dried power in them. You had to snap open the long thin glass vial, use the syringe to draw out the liquid and then one by one mix it into the four vials of freeze dried powder, dissolve it, draw it back into the syringe, inject it into the next vial, roll the vial to dissolve the power without making bubbles, draw it back into the syringe, inject into the next vial, and on and on. Once all four vials were dissolved into the fluid you had to get it all into an insulin syringe and inject that into my stomach. It burns like hell and within 15 minutes my head felt like it was going to explode for the next 8 hours. I had to do this at 10am every day so it certainly put a damper on things. 

 

More pics of my meds. 

 

This is the truck that broke down in the middle of the road holding us up for more than 30 minutes as we were rushing from Agra to Delhi to try to make it back for our ultrasound with Dr. Shavani. I almost had a nervous breakdown. 

Yep, that's the box of meds hanging out with us at Gloria Jean's for our morning cup of coffee. 

This is a happy smiling photo that would appear on Facebook. 

This is what I really felt like that day. 

Me and my meds once again.

This is my stomach covered with all of the bruises, pin pricks and scars I bear from infertility. 

This is the shop where we bought gifts for our surrogates to receive on the transfer day. We aren't really supposed to buy them gifts, so we just got them pretty boxes of dried fruits and nuts. We are supposed to save the gifts until once the children are born. I wasn't that hopeful so I wanted to give them something up front. Those poor women are cursed with my old eggs. They should at least get a consolation prize for trying. 

This is the crib in our nursery. I bought some little paper prayer flags in Nepal. I had no particular plan for them and was most likely going to give them as a gift. Once I got home I thought of the perfect place for them. Hey, can't hurt, might help. 

Would You Like Some Whine With That?

Just need to take a sec to whine. I feel like shit. I have ANOTHER cold. On top of that I have the worst constipation ever from the meds. I am exhausted and I feel terrible bitching about it because everyone thinks I have been on a three and a half week vacation. I have so much to do and I just want to curl up and go to sleeep for the next two weeks. UGH!!!!!!!!Oh, and my boobs are so enormous and sore I have to walk around holding them so they don't move. 

Managing Expectations

Below is yesterday's email from the doctor. Things aren't going so well.

Dear My Love and Dizzy

We did the transfer today

We had 4 embryos for the transfer and all were grade two ( with some fragmentation) none was top quality

We will do the pregnancy test in 2 weeks

I will update with the embryology report tomorrow

Best wishes

DR Shivani

And then there were six

Only 6 eggs were mature. I'm going to email the doctor now to beg her to transfer all of the embryos, not matter what the quality. 

Quiet Day

Had a quiet day resting in my hotel room. Other than feeling a little crampy I am just fine. I seem to be bouncing back from this retrival better than my last one. Not sure if it's because there were less eggs or because I am more fit, but I'm feeling good.

I just realized that there are some little embryos in an incubator about a half mile away trying to grow. The last time it was all I could think about, yet somehow the thought hadn't even occured to me this time. I know that no amount of prayer can wish them into being. If that were possible our previous attempts at surrogacy or one of my pregnancies would have been a success. So, this time I am just letting them be. I'm not going to helicopter parent our embryos this time around. If a few of them are going to be strong enough they will grow. 

Gratitude

Well I think I have finally reached the point that the universe has been trying to get me to. The retrieval was this morning. We only got 7 eggs which is a bit of a disappointment, but the only feeling I have been really overwhelmed with today is gratitude. In the past I have reminded myself over and over how lucky I am, but today the feeling is just there. This is without a doubt the calmest I have ever felt during the past 4 years of fertility treatments. I'm not battling to keep myself calm. I just am. Maybe it's 3 weeks in this part of the world. Maybe I have turned a corner in terms of how I deal with stress. Who knows. All I can tell you is that this morning there was not franticness or trepidation as I got ready for my appointment. I should have been rushing because I was running a little late. I didn't though. I just got ready at my own pace and made it there only 5 minutes after I was supposed to.  

I haven't gone into detail about the staff at the clinic, but each and every one of them is special. You have never met a kinder, more doting group of women in your life. I had a nice chat with the receptionist who I have become friends with. She tells me where to shop and where to get mehndi done. She a sweet and bubbly and a little hip for an Indian girl. All jeans and sneakers with a side ponytail instead of the more traditional punjabi suits . What is not to love about this girl? As I went in to get my retrieval done she asked if I am on Facebook. Um yeah, I am on Facebook! I think she and I are going to be fast friends. Do you think she'd shop for me here and mail it? We could do transcontinental clothing swaps! 

I went into the room where I would be prepped for and recover from the procedure. It's basically like a private room at a hospital. I went into the bathroom to change into the hospital gown. The sinks are made by a company called Cera. Whenever I see this name printed on the sinks I start humming Que Sera Sera to myself. It's a song with a lot of meaning to me. From all accounts Marlon's grandfather was a very special man. There isn't a person who doesn't soften when they tell stories about him. He used to sing Que Sera Sera to Marlon's mother when she was a girl. Marlon and his mother danced to this song at our wedding. I recently taught it to a dear friend's daughter. I never expected a spunky modern girl to fall in love with a Doris Day song, but she did. She sings beautifully and now when I sing this song in my head it's her voice I hear singing it. These are the thoughts that would go through my head as I put on my hospital gown. Marlon's grandfather and mother, Marlon and little Jillian all reminding me "Whatever will be will be. The future's not ours to see. Que sera sera." 

Dr. Shivani came in to walk me through everything. When she saw the mehndi on my hands she was impressed. It came out very dark. She said the women in India believe that the darker it is the more your husband loves you. Needless to say, I was thrilled to hear that ;)

Once I was all changed, forms filled out, briefed on the procedure, etc there was nothing to do but wait. I didn't feel like watching TV and couldn't focus when I tried to read so I just closed my eyes and relaxed. It was the one moment I was feeling a little alone. One of the nurses came in and we had a little chat. I was laying in the bed wearing my gown and the lovely shower cap looking hat they give you for surgery. As I was laughing at something she stroked my cheek with her hand and said "You are so pretty". It sounds creepy, but it was the sweetest, most motherly thing she could have done. She left the room and I almost stared crying. No matter what happens I will forever be grateful for having experienced India in this way. I am so overwhelmed with thanks. I am not getting my hopes up about the result of the transfer, but if it doesn't work I think I will be more disappointment about the fact that I don't get another extended visit to India than anything else! 

So, that's it. I now sit in my hotel room for the rest of the day. Tomorrow I'll do a little shopping in the neighborhood and at 1:30am on Tuesday I head home. I won't know what will be transfered until I get home.  In the meantime I'm just trying to enjoy my time here. 

Saturday's Story

Sorry you guys aren't getting my usual posts on this trip. Instead of thinking about this until my head hurts I am just getting on with it and trying, fairly sucessfully, to think about it as little as possible. When I get home I am sure everyone is going to want to catch up, but I'm telling you now I do not want to talk about this process at all. The less it's on my mind the better. Whether the news is good or bad it is going to be an emotional time for us and I want to just get through it with as little drama as possible. We have enough as it is.

The latest drama:

It's now 12:10pm on Saturday. I have to be at the doctor for the retrieval at 9:30am Sunday and the procedure is scheduled for 11:30am. I'm still sick with the darn cold and generally exhausted and queasy from the meds. Sleep is hard to come by in our rental apartment. It's huge (3 bedrooms/ 3 bathrooms) and modern, but the windows are single pane with no seals and you hear EVERYTHING like it's in your bedroom. We are on the flight path for the airport and planes come and go on top of us all night. Dogs bark ALL night. Babies cry. Construction goes on all around us from 7am to 9pm. Yes, the hard working people of India work hammering away well after dark. They sleep on the construction site so they literally work every moment they aren't sleeping. Last night someone was knocking on our door at midnight. I looked out and it was a strange man so I didn't answer. I tried to talk to him through the door, but he didn't answer (not sure he spoke English) and I was pretty freaked out. A few minutes later the same man ran the doorbell. I ignored it hoping he would go away when I heard him trying a key in the lock. I was sure we were going to die. My Love FINALLY woke up and opened the door. It was not our night to die. The murderous thief  was our upstairs neighbor very kindly trying to return the keys My Love had left dangling in the apartment door when we got home last night. Needless to say, it took me a sometime to fall asleep after our near death experience. I woke late this morning, around 10:30 and wandered into the kitchen. My Love immediately announced there was a problem. It turns out that two little letters can make a very big difference. AM. PM. These are two very different beasts. 4:30pm Sunday is the flight that gets us home when we head straight to the airpor after my egg retrieval. 4:30am is the flight that I cannot take because it is 7 hours before my scheduled egg retrieval. See the difference there? AM. PM. I will spare you the hours of phone calls and debates about the best plan and just share the result. My Love is leaving before the retrieval and I am staying by myself for two more days. We are incredibly sad that he won't be here for the retrieval. I'll get through it on my own, but it certainly isn't ideal. We had to pay about $700 to buy me a new ticket home and just couldn't justify spending the same amount for another ticket. I just need to man up and do it on my own and know that he is with me in spirit. So, there it is. 

Getting Real

I have been able to put it out of my mind for the most part until today. It's getting real though. The egg retrieval is set for Sunday morning. I'm starting to get crampy and feel my ovaries. When we ride the tuktuks I now need to hold on the my stomach to prevent them from feeling like they are being scrambled. We also signed the surrogate contracts today. The most undeniable reality was meeting the surrogates. Both of them. At the same time, with a translator. I don't think anyone who knows me will be surprised to hear that I cried. I would like to think the meeting went well, but who knows what these poor women think of me. Sabita is an older (33), rounder, Hindu with a very warm smile. Rehanna is young (24), slight, Muslim and spectacularly shy. I can't help but wonder if they are awake right now thinking about this crazy situation.

A Little Improvement

Today's scan was a bit better than the last two. Looks like there are 11-12 decent sized follicles. They are all in the 13-15mm range at the moment so we are still shooting for a Sunday morning retrieval and a Tuesday transfer. I was so worried my illness was going to screw this whole thing up, but so far, so good. Dr Shivani's entire office, including Dr. Shivani, is sick with the same thing. Hopefully she's in good form by Sunday! All I want are eight embroys that are decent enough to transfer. Four to each surrogate. Then I will know we have done all we can. If we can't get one of eight to take it's just not meant to be. If this stay on track we should have news one way or the other on November 20-21st. It's going to make for a very long 3 weeks. Hopefully this Sandy drama will keep me busy. Seems that it's going to be about 10 days before we have power at home. That should make for some fun. Time to get a generator? 

Another Quick One

I've been really sick the past two days and have done nothing but sleep.  Had a scan with Dr. Shivani yesterday. My ovaries are really not cooperating. I only have about 8 follicles. They are still pretty small. We added Menotrophin (similar to Menopur) on Thursday and it's helping a bit. I'm also on Ganirelix now so I have to do three shots a day- Gonal F, Menotrphin and Ganirelix. The Menotrophin involves taking a minuscule vial of water and mixing it into 4 separate vials of powder.  It's not easy, especially when I am so weak I can't even tear open the alcohol swab packet. Tomorrow I anticipate another day of sleep and then another scan on Wednesday. She is anticipating doing the retreival on Sunday morning. We fly home Sunday night. I'm really excited about that. Not. 

Quick Update

Blogger.com is not cooperating so here is a super quick update:
-Had a heck of time getting out of Kathmanu. Marlon compared it to an episode of the Amazing Race but with the two team members on opposite sides of the world. I'll tell you the whole story when I have more time.
-Made it to the doctor early on CD 3 and started injections.
-Tomorrow is the last Gonal F injection. I get the injection at 10am. 12pm we head back for a scan with the doctor and then we are heading out of town to Agra until the next scan on Sunday. After that I will have scans every other day
-Retrieval is around the 31st/1st give or take a few days.
-We had a tour of the facilities yesterday. It's pretty amazing. We saw a bunch of pregnant GCs waiting to see the OB.
-They really do a great job looking after these women. They provide apartments, deliver meals every other day so they don't need to cook, provide shuttle service to and from school for their children, all medical care whether is is pregnancy related or not, life insurance (God forbid. We also provided it for our GC in the US), you name it, these women are covered. It felt good to see the office in action.
-They deliver 50-75 babies a month through this program. Can you imagine?????
-Have I told you we are using two GC's simultaneously? We are. They can get up to 4 embryos each. We will transfer 8 embryos if we get 8 from my old eggs. If there are extras they will be frozen.
That's all I can think of for now. Feel free to ask questions. It's been hectic here the first few days. Hoping to post more after we get back from Agra on Sunday.

Om

It's 5:44am in Kathmandu. I have been meaning to post for the past few days but every second I spend online is a second I am not enjoying the wonder that is Nepal. If I had posted earlier you would  have heard how at peace I am with the process and how excited I am to be in this part of the world. I am still at peace with the process, but I am certainly have to work harder this morning to say that. Today was supposed to be a full day of sightseeing and shopping in Kathmandu. Tomorrow I was planning to go to Boudahanath temple (pictured above) for a second time to spin the prayer wheels before heading off to Dehli. Instead I woke at 3am with diarrhea and cramps. I thought that a had a case of Delhi belly, the Kathmandu version at least, until I realized I had my period. As I have said before, the point of infertility in my life is to teach me that I have no control. Yup, Aunt Flow showed up 3 days early. Not sure what this will mean. It's still before dawn here so we just have to wait until someone wakes up at the clinic to figure this out. Even if I hop on a plane to India and start my meds early, I am not sure my body's schedule will work with the clinic's. My retrieval schedule was pushed back before we left due to lab cleaning. If my eggs are ready too early the lab won't be open to deal with them. All I can do now is wait. I have no control over my body or this situation. If all of this goes pear shaped I am grateful to have been able to spend the last two days in Nepal. I have made many new friends. I watched the sun rise over the Himalayas. I played hopscotch on a dirt road with a bunch of children while their mother climbed onto the roof of the house to harvest honey from a beehive for my breakfast.  How could I not be grateful? I am going to hop in the shower and pack a bit in case I need to make a beeline (no pun intended) for Delhi this morning. I'll keep you posted. In the meantime I just keep saying om. Namaste my friends. 

Waaaaaaaaaaa

                                                 

        

Okay, I take it all back. It's been building for the past week. I should know the signs by now. I am eating everything in sight, can't seem to get any work done and I am very grumpy with My Love. This is how anxiety seems to express itself in my life. Ugh. As much as I am DYING to see India I just DON'T WANT TO GO.  Insert tears and stomping feet here. It is NOT a vacation. It is NOT adventure. It is another very expensive heartbreak waiting to happen. I have been calm until now, but as it approaches I feel this is just another disaster waiting to happen. My life was FINALLY under control. I was on top of work, happy relaxed, working out daily, eating right. I'm going to come home from this about $17,000 poorer, beaten up from another egg retrieval, with another "well that didn't work" to add to our list. We are both going to be depressed and the holidays are going to suck. If one of the surrogates gets pregnant we are going to get our hopes up and she will miscarry. Oh, and the four year anniversary of trying to have a baby is happening while we are in India. I wish I could just be medicated into a stupor for the next month. If you try and tell me we might walk away from this trip with a baby I will come to your house, egg it, and smash your fucking pumpkins, so just DON'T.

The Shell Game

I really should have never stayed away from my blog for so long. First of all, I owe those of you who reached out over the past year a heartfelt thank you and apology for not responding. The miscarriage really threw me for a loop to put it mildly. I'll give you a really quick summary of what has happened.     My Love and I took an extended break from all things baby. In January we decided to move forward with adoption. We got the home study packet, started to fill it out and discovered that I was once again pregnant. Sound familiar? Yeah, well it's the same story. We had to stop the adoption process. They don't let pregnant women do home studies, and once again I miscarried. We took another little break and went back to the adoption process. In August our home study was approved. Within days of the approval I met a woman who had a friend who'd had luck with surrogacy in India. My Love was on board with adopting, but still had a little niggling sadness at the thought of not having a genetic child. Long story short, I leave for India one week from today to have my eggs retrieved. We will be transferring embryos to not one, but TWO women in India. Do I seem very calm about this whole thing? Yes, I am. I have very little hope that this will work. I am considering this a fun vacation with daily injections. I know that we will have a child someday. At this point it just a shell game. Which shell will the baby be hiding under? Adoption, surrogacy or my defective uterus? I have learned that we will not know until is happens. I am done trying to force this process. I am just along for the ride. If any of you reading this happen to be Facebook friends, PLEASE do not mention this on Facebook. I am keeping it very hush hush. As I said, I have no expectations and don't want people getting all excited about this. It's just a Hail Mary shot at a genetic child. 

Emptiness

I'm still trying to process everything that happened/is happening to us. I don't feel sad most of the time. I just can't seem to move. I've finally set a timer and forced myself off the couch for 45 minutes. I've made the 10 foot trip to my desk. I've decided to leave the disaster in the kitchen for now. I think after a little nap I'll set the timer and force myself off the couch again and tackle that mess. I'm stuck at home for a little while. Normally that would be a treat for me, but I'm not making the best use of my time. I'm sitting at home waiting to have a miscarriage. Nope, not Ginny, me. I was/am pregnant. I guess I am right now since I haven't miscarried yet, but the gestational sac is empty. That means there won't be a baby. I'll give you a quick run down of what happened and then I'm going to pay some bills and get back to the couch. We were scheduled to have our final transfer with Ginny on the 23rd. My love and I were both really struggling in the weeks leading up to this. It was our last try. It was also a spectacularly stressful week at work for me. I was nauseous all week to the point of dry heaving. I attributed this to the obscene amount of stress I was feeling and lack of sleep. To make a long story short on the 17th we found out that I was pregnant. It was the biggest shock of our lives. We called Ginny and the doctor and cancelled the transfer that was set to happen in six days. It took a while to sink in, but we started to grow hopeful that we had been given a miracle. On Monday I went to the uterine specialist who said everything looked great. He said that if he'd been shown the ultrasound without knowing my history he'd think it was a "normal" uterus. Friday, the day after the transfer was supposed to happen, we went to the ob/gyn and found out the gestational sac was empty. There were several hours of phone calls with the doctors and we decided it was best to wait for me to have a natural miscarriage rather than a D&C which will most likely damage my crappy uterus further. So now I just wait. I could go to work, but really don't care to be there when I miscarry. It should happen within the next week. I am praying it happens sooner. It sucks to just wait. I want to go back to work and get on with my life. I also want to go visit my grandmother as we are supposed to for the holiday weekend. That's it for now. At some point I'll talk a little about how fucked up it is that I had let go of the dream of ever being pregnant and was then forced to wrap myself around the fact that I WAS pregnant. Yup. Fucked up.

If you are wondering what we are going to do next, I am not sure yet. I give up on plans.

As some of you know we were scheduled for our final transfer with Ginny this coming Thursday. We've postponed/cancelled this. Life is incredibly confusing at the moment. The more confused I get the less open I am, so please know that I am okay, I just can't talk about any of this right now. If you are praying person I could use them now more than ever.

Wondering

I haven't been posting lately because I've been struggling. I never imagined that once we finally made the leap to using a GC it would be this difficult. I never imagined that we'd be on our third transfer, our last chance. I never imagined we'd be this close to failure. At this point I am assuming the next transfer will not have a positive result. It's the only was I can survive at this point. If I have the slightest bit of hope and we have a  negative result it will kill me. I've learned that wishing and hoping and praying and planning doesn't do the trick, so I am guessing that planning for a negative result can't do any harm.

I don't want to talk about the final transfer. I won't be posting dates and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't ask. We need to do this one on our own. No balloons for me this time thanks.

You might be wondering about the photo above. The days go quickly when I am at work. Even though it's stressful, it's distracting. Weekends are more difficult. Living in the burbs is a minefield. I reject most invitations. One of my great distractions on the weekend is my garden. This is the first summer I have ever had a garden. My Love built it for me. It's such a dream come true for me. The second I get home from work I check on the day's progress. Is the soil moist enough? Does anything look like it's battling a disease or parasite? Any new blossoms? I love my garden. All weekend long I have dirty finger nails and I love then that way. This weekend my infertility invaded my garden. I am so pissed that it has crept into one of my few havens. Since this is the first year with a real garden I wasn't feeling very confident. Rather than growing everything by seed I bought most of the plants as seedlings. I did plant three types of seeds because I could not find seedlings- purple carrots, beets and parsnips. I didn't have much confidence, but within ten days they had all germinated and we had little tiny veggies all over the place. I watched them grow every day and more sprouts came up each day. It was thrilling. After a week or two I realized they needed to be thinned. This means, in our case, pulling out 4-5 perfect good little seedlings for every one we left to live. They were just too crowded. For some reason this felt like Sophie's Choice to me. It felt like I was a carrot murderer every time I pulled a littled seedling. I started to wonder how an embryologist decides between two nearly identical embryos. They have to give one the opportunity at life and the other will most likely be destroyed. Don't get me wrong, I am as pro-choice as they come, but it hit home when I was giving some carrots a chance to grow and sending the rest to the lawn waste bag. With each of our previous transfer there was an embryo that the embryologist decided was "inferior" to the ones that were transfered. They might have been used for medical research or they might have been destroyed depending on whether or not they survived for another day or two. I hope that they made it and were used for stem cell research, but I will never know. I wonder if I will ever be able to thin my seeds without thinking of my lost embryos. I wonder if I will always skimp a little when I sprinkle the vegetable seeds so there will be less thinning to be done. I wonder if there will be any little joy in my life that our battle with infertility doesn't taint. I wonder when all of this will end. I wonder how much more I can take. Most of the time now I wonder if the two embryos that didn't make the cut for the transfers were the ones that were meant to be my children. It all makes me wonder.

Perfect. It's All Just Perfect.

Hmm, everyone wants to hear about the call today but it was pretty underwhelming. The doctor was really sorry. He was surprised the last cycle hadn't worked. Everything looked perfect. Blah, blah, blah. Here's the story. Although the nurse mentioned making some changes he doesn't want to. He thinks it's just bad embryos. Remember those little stink bombs I was worried about raining down on my life? Looks like they have finally hit and man do those little fuckers stink. He still thinks there should be some viable embryos. So we are going to transfer the four remaining embryos next time.  I asked about the grading and he said they were graded before freezing and they were all A and B grade. The number that they retrieved (10) was perfect. Everything is perfect, just perfect. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Breathe

Today at 2pm I have a call with Dr. Seven to discuss the next cycle. It's generally called the WTF meeting. I don't particulary like this term. There is no was of telling what when wrong last time or the time before. All we can do it think ahead to next time and what we could try and chance. I like Dr. Seven. He has a lovely calming was about him and I always feel better after a call with him. He may just be well trained in reassurance, but I also know that he's a great reproductive endocrinologist and I should trust him. As much time as I spend studying all of this online, this is what he does and he does it well.

I wish the call were a little earlier in the day. I'll admit to being anxious about it. I've been up since 5:40am. The house is clean, there is always more than can be done, but I'm not really in the mood. I'm just wandering around the house rearranging things and cleaning up a spot on a tile here and there. I'm considering getting out a bucket, brush and some vinegar and scrubbing the hardwood floors in the kitchen. They seem to have a film on them. Until I can convince my self to get to work I will pace. I think today will be a wet hair in a bun and no makeup day. I'll take a quick shower and head out to the stores when they open. 2pm cant come soon enough.

Bouncing Back

I know there will be more setbacks but I am actually feeling, dare I say it, happy today. My Love is on an airplane flying away from me, but I know this trip will do him a world of good. Last night, for perhaps the first time in this battle, I was the one telling him it was all going to be okay. He was worried about leaving me, but I reassured him that I would survive a weekend on my own and I'd be happier if he took the time to recharge his batteries. He left for Haiti this morning with two bags of construction supplies and a heart full excitement. Can't wait to hear all about it when he gets home.

My weekend is filling up with "fun for me" plans. Tonight I am having dinner with a dear friend who is now a mother of perhaps the most adorable boy/girl twins ever born, but was at one point an intended mother with a GC. Tomorrow I am going to see a wonderful psychologist who specializes in helping infertiles. She battled for years herself. My Love and I saw her once and she really helped us turn our thinking around. I'm interested to see what I walk out of tomorrow's session with. 

At 2pm EDT I have a call with the doctor to discuss the next cycle. I am interested to hear what he is planning to change.

Saturday morning I am having my hair colored and then heading out to Brooklyn to hang with cousin and uncle, my main gays. I must have been emitting some distress signal that only gay men can hear because I came home last night to a message from Ron and John, our neighbors, inviting me to a barbeque on Monday. These guys give the BEST parties in the neighborhood and it's always an honor to be on their guest list!

On Sunday my Godbaby Mamma is coming over and we are going to go through the house and see if there is any rearranging of furniture we might be able to do. Every week when I go to her house something has been moved and I love it! She is SO good at rearranging and giving a room a fresh feel. It will also be nice to have some alone girl time with her. It's been much too long.

In between I plan to do some work in the garden, read on the hammock, go to church, pick up my dry cleaning, try and decide on carpet for the nursery, pay some bills and all that fun stuff.

Sounds like a nice relaxing long weekend no? Can't wait for it to get started!

The Rollercoaster

It's going to be a long day with lots of ups and downs, so I thought it might be best to write as the feelings come up and them post as one big post later.

7:00am Feeling okay. My Love drives me to my commuter train every day. This morning on our drive I told him I knew it was over. Something should have show up on the home pregnancy tests by now, but (of course there is a but) there is a ltttle tiny bit of my heart hoping that there will be a miracle and we will get a decent number. My head says "no way, give it up". My heart says "buy just maybe...". As much as I hate my heart for it's little balloons that always float me up and send me crashing down, we would never have made it this far if we weren't able to maintain that little bit of hope.

7:30am My cousin who lives nearby emails me to see how I am. I tell him I am not so well. I have called off my trip to visit my grandmother this weekend. The guilt is terrible, but the drive to see her is 6-7 each hours each way and I doubt that I could survive 12-14 hours alone with my thoughts. He invites me to a barbeque at his apartment in Brookyln with the following sentence "You need to get the fuck out of the burbs and away from all those fucking breeders and hang out with a group of fun queers!" I am beyond thrilled to have this to look forward to in the middle of my weekend. My very favorite uncle will also be there. There is nothing like a group of gay men to lift your spirits. He's one of the kindest, most thoughtful, generous men I have ever met. When we do have children he is assigned to be their guardian if anything should happen to me and My Love. Of everyone we know his values are the closest to ours and he would give them the open-minded adventurous lifestyle we hope to give our children. We would teach them to be compassionate, kind, generous, hard working and fun. He is the total package. Now I just wish I could find him a husband!

8:41am Looked at the clock and realized that as I sat at my desk distracted, but working, Ginny was at the doctor having her blood drawn. The guilt over how much of her life is dedicated to our dreams pushes down on me.

9:15am Buckled and took a Xanax. I got yelled at because a 30something guy who works in my office and makes around a million dollars a year is a lazy ass fuck and can't so his job. It's now my job to micromanage him. I seriously considered quiting. I had two headhunters call me yesterday about jobs that would cut my commute from 3 1/2 hours a day to about 1 hour a day with similar pay. I want to take them SO badly. The only thing holding me back is the fact that my current job offers me the flexibilty to take time off for all of the fertility crap. I feel so trapped.

10:00am Starting to think about what to order for lunch. I am thinking Chinese. Something nice and greasy and spicy might help a little.

10:20am Work is no match for the distraction I am feeling. Keep trying to focus, but no luck. I just found my self hoping for an assasination, terrorist attack, war or natural disaster that might really capture my attention for the next few hours. That is just sick and wrong.

10:31am I have gotten some lovely pep talks from a few of my infertile friends today. I call them my war buddies. As much as my fertile friends try to understand what we go through, you can never really get it unless you have lived it. I love them so much and treasure their friendship.

10:38am Just went though facebook and just counted all of my pregnant friends. I have TWELVE of them (some infertile, some not) with three more that are going through fertility treatments. That's like 9% of my friends. How is that possible???? Don't get me wrong, I am happy for each and every one of them and would never wish infertility on my worst enemy, but come on. That's a little ridiculous! THROW ME A BONE HERE!!!!!!!!!!

11:32am I need to pee, but I am afraid to leave my desk. What if the doctor calls???
12:00pm Took my cellphone to the bathroom and had the fastest pee ever. Lunch is ordered. Starting to really get impatient. Any time now.

1:00pm Seriously, WTF. When am I getting a call?????????? This is starting to piss me off!!!!!!!!!!!!

1:14pm I feel like I am going to vomit. Stress, too much greasy Chinese or a combo? When do I call the doctor and ask if they have the results yet???? The problem is that Ginny's doctor gets them and then calls my doctor with them. I'm

1:19 In the middle of my last sentence the doctor called. Test was negative. I knew it was coming, but I'm still crying. Going to run some errands so the who office doesn't see me cry.

Zilch

More of the same with today's test. Yesterday I was too upset to eat. Today I'm feeling better and back to my meatloaf lunches. My love is going out of town on Thursday morning. Have I mentioned that? The blood test is tomorrow and of course there is a tiny chance it may show us a viable number, but at this point it is a real long shot.

My love and I had a nice evening together last night. I was a zombie most of the weekend and even when we were in the same room I wasn't there. Last night we had a really great chat. I confessed my desire to give up the stressful job, all of the "stuff" and move to Africa to run an orphanage. He was thinks it sounds like a great idea. We spent a little time trying to decide where to run off to. South Africa is too expensive. He loves Mozambique and Malawi, but they are too hot, Zimbabwe is too unstable. I think we have settled on Tanzania or perhaps Kenya. I've invited our best friends and their three kiddies to join us. We'll form a little commune. It sounds heavenly to me. Anyone want to join us?

Nada

Nada. All of the tests have been negative. This is starting to get old. We've moved up the official pregnancy test to Wednesday. Nobody is very hopeful that the result will be positive. Time to start thinking about next steps, but I am so terribly sick of next steps. I'm in a place I've been before. I want to pack it in, sell the house, car, furniture, jewelry, pots and pans, books and move to Africa to run an orphange. Maybe I'm not supposed to be a mom. At what point do I get the hint and give up? Maybe I am supposed to take care of other people's children. How much of my time and money do I spend on this? How much of my life do I want to give away to this? Yes, you are probably saying well, just don't focus on it, go ahead and live your life and stop thinking about this so much. If that's what you are saying to yourself you have never suffered from years of infertility. It takes over your life. It's like a full time job that instead of rewarding you sucks away every penny that you have. I know if I keep trying we'll have a child eventually but will we be elderly, angry and broke? When do we say when? I know I could muster the strength to keep going, but do I want to or should I just accept that this is not my path? Maybe I should listen to Einstein. "Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results." He's a smart man. Maybe I should listen to him.

Negativo



Not today, but as two of my wonderful friends reminded me. It's SUPER early. I need to get a life and chill, which I plan to do this weekend. No plans for tonight. I may be stuck at work late. If I get out at a decent hour maybe My Love and I will go to dinner. Tomorrow we are taking a cooking class that he gave me for Christmas two years ago. When I get home I am going to look for carpet for the nursery which was wallpapered yesterday and today.  I bought a crib to replace the old one and I want to put that together at some point. Take pictures of the old one and put it in the basement. I don't want to sell it in case we have # two really quickly and Paul or Barney is still in his crib at that time. Sunday I will most likely pray it doesn't rain as it has every day since last Saturday and toss in some prayers that my freshly planted veggie garden isn't irreparably waterlogged. If I am feeling REALLY productive I may take the enormous pile of crap that has been sitting at the top of the basement stairs for weeks down to the actual basement. I'm sure you are reading my exciting weekend plans and thinking "what a LOSER". LOL. Hope you all have a good one. Keep your fingers crossed for us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tick, Tock

I'm feeling much better today. Sorry about yesterday. I did go home and play that song at a level of volume that shook the windows while I scrubbed the greasy film off the glass cupboards in our kitchen with Goo Gone. I would have stayed at it all night if My Love hadn't come down to complain that he couldn't hear the TV two floors above me.

Now it's the next morning so I wait. The mornings are the very worst. Waiting for a call or emil from Ginny is torture. This is what goes though my mind every morning-Is she awake yet? Has she tested? Why haven't I heard? Is she busy with her girls? Is she dreading writing the "it was negative again today" email? Is she waiting for a quiet moment to call me and tell me it was finally positive? Maybe she is just busy with her own life and doesn't want to deal yet and hasn't peed. Maybe she has a super bladder. It must be so hard to her to test every day. I know she fells the ups and downs as much as I do. I hate that my embryos keep disappointing her. Somedays I still can't believe this stranger turned friend is doing this for us. Any of you who have had a baby know what a disruption a pregnancy is. She is turning her life upside down to make our dreams come true. I just need to man up, be patient and get to work. Maybe today will be the day we find out.

Holding onto What I Haven't Got

This is not the end

This is not the beginning

Just a voice like a riot

Rocking every revision

But you listen to the tone

And the violent rhythm

Though the words sound steady

Something empties with em

We say yeah

with fists flying up in the air

Like we're holding onto something

that's invisible there

Cuz we're living at the mercy

of the pain and the fear

until we dead it

forget it

let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come

Wishing I had strength to stand

This is not what I had planned

It's out of my control

Flying at the speed of light

Thoughts were spinning in my head

So many thing were left unsaid.

It's hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on

I know how it feels to lie

All I want to do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room

Trying to forget the past

This was never meant to last

I wish it wasn't so

I know what it takes to move on

I know how it feels to lie

All I want to do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone

I thought it felt right but that right was wrong

All caught up in the eye of the storm

And trying to figure out

What's it's like moving on

And I don't even know what kind of things I said

My mouth kept moving

And my mind went dead

So picking up the pieces

Now where to begin

The hardest part of ending is staring again

All I want to do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven't got

This is not the end

The is not the beginning

Just a voice like a riot

Rocking every revision

But you listen to the tone

And the violent rhythm

Though the words sound steady

Something empties with em

We say yeah

with fists flying up in the air

Like we're holding onto something

that's invisible there

Holding on to what I haven't got

Well this post has taken a turn. I've had "The Waiting" by Tom Petty stuck in my head for the past two days. I had posted that video and some snarky comments about how annoying it was that the chorus was the only part that applied but keeping playing on a reel in my head.

I decided to see if there was another "Waiting" song that might be a better fit. This is what I found and it hit a lot closer, too close perhaps, to home. Old post deleted and new one started.

This song hit so hard I was sick to my stomach. This was not my normal level of nausea, but "should I run to the bathroom right now" kind of thing. It was like a punch in the stomach. I've probably listened to this song about a half dozen times in the past hour. I want to turn is up as high as I can and scream the lyrics out loud, but instead I sit in my glass office with it playing softly. When it gets really bad I stand at my window with my back to my co-works and cry. I'm sure they are wondering why I am staring out the window but I don't care. I want to go home and put this song on repeat and curl up in a ball, but instead I will sit at my desk for the next few hours telling myself that if I got some work done the hours would go by much more quickly.

I know it's all part of the journey and I should take this in stride, but today is one of those days that I fake it and put on a happy face. I'm trying REALLY hard today, but telling myself it'll all be fine just isn't working.



Wait a Minute!!!!!!!!!!!!

Earlier today I was nauseous and unable to breathe. I finally bit the bullet and emailed Ginny. Not only did she say that she was okay just telling me and not both of us if she gets a BFP, but she said it was okay for me to change my mind again. Have I mentioned lately how much I love her?

As I was emailing her I realized that last cycle I spent lots of time focusing my energy on Sprout, willing him to grow, yet I was very relaxed. This time I am "more laid back" and "don't obsess" about Paul and Barney and I am a nauseous hyperventaliting mess. Hmm. After I made this realization I picked up my framed photo of Paul and Barney and willed them to grow. Within minutes I was taking nice deep breaths that would have been impossible earlier in the day. I spent the rest of the day feeling like a human being.

So wait a minute. If I tell people what I want and focus my energy on what I want rather than trying to bury it deep inside me I will fell BETTER? Holy crap!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why did it take me nearly 40 years so figure that out?!?!?!?!??!?!

Lesson learned. For now at least.

Meatloaf

Hello meatloaf.

I seem to be saying this a lot these days. I'm not sure if all of the self awareness I have been achieving lately is due to my advanced maternal age or if I am in and out of the stress pit so often these days I would be a moron not to see it. Either way, I have come to realize how I react to anxiety.

1-I eat. I eat just about anything in my path, but I prefer the following: 'wichcraft's meatloaf, cheddar and bacon sandwich, apple fritters from Starbucks, chocolate peanut butter ice cream, entire boxes of Stovetop Stuffing, squishy cheddar rolls by the half dozen, deep fried shredded beef from my favorite Chinese place and Stouffer's French Bread Pizza's with the Deluxe toppings. I eat to try and quell the nausea, but it doesn't work.

2- I refuse to go to sleep even when exhausted. I stay awake until midnight on school nights creating 12 column spreadsheets tracking what we planted in our vegetable garden this year. The latin names of all of these veggies is going to be helpful isn't it??

3. I find that I am unable to take deep breaths. I do this weird shallow breating all day long that makes me feel like I am wearing a corset. No matter home many times I try to meditate and breathe deep I keep going back to the corset breathing.

The result is the following. I wake up for work exhausted, go to Starbucks for coffee which I NEVER drank until 6 months ago, eat everything in sight and shake all day long while trying not to hyperventilate from my self imposed stress corset that I tighten every day. Good times. Good times.

On top of this I have flip flopped on an issue a few times and have changed my mind AGAIN. Initially I asked Ginny to tell me if she got a BFP so I could tell My Love. I always felt it would make me feel more like a “normal” woman who pees on a stick and then give her hubby the news. Then after the last transfer I asked her to Skype us so she could tell us together and see our reaction. She is doing so much for us I felt that we should give her that gift of seeing how happy we are. Now, I’ve gone back to wanting to tell him myself. I want it to be a private thing between us. Is it wrong to take this away from her after I’ve already “given” it to her? I don't know, but I have asked. I hope she is okay with that. Why do I have to feel go much guilt about everything???? Ugh. This does not help my anxiety level.

My meatloaf sandwich should be arriving any minute now.

Fortunes and Friends

This must be the most exciting fortune I have ever seen. On Friday night My Love and I went to the hotel and shared Chinese takeout with Ginny. The fortune above was the first one Ginny opened. Um hm, that's what is said. Fingers crossed. She was sweet enough to give it to us. It's going in the baby book.

Last night My Love and I went to dinner at our bestest friend's house. Our friend Nicci took me to her garage and showed me a lifetime supply of baby clothes she has been saving for us along with just about every single baby plaything you could possible imagine. Other than diapers I don't think we are going to buy a thing for this kid.

Okay now everybody needs to think REALLY positive thoughts.

Octopuses and Dinosaurs

 

I know you guys are all thinking that I’ve lost it. What’s with the photos of Barney and Paul the Octopus who made all of the perfect World Cup soccer predictions you ask? Look at the photo below you will understand.

The second transfer was yesterday and it went smoothly. The embryo on the left is named Paul. He looks just like an octopus don’t you think? The one on the right is clearly Barney. It’s a little freaky how much they look like Paul and Barney don’t you think?

Ginny is doing well. She is at the hotel resting. We had dinner with her tonight. This trip has been super mellow. No anxiety like last time. I know this sounds terrible, but if nothing else, I am honest. It was almost like we are having a good friend visit and we took her to the dentist. Don’t get me wrong, I want this more than anything in the world and I still adore Ginny and feel indescribable gratitude, but it was kind of old hat this time. So much was different and I am hoping all of that is a good thing. We were all much calmer. Even though the last transfer was a happy excitement it was emotionally exhausting. There is more riding on this transfer but we are all so much more at peace with it. I can’t wait for the pregnancy test. It’s on the 26^th.

Better get to sleep. We’ve got to be up at 4:30am to take Ginny, Paul and Barney to the airport!

Happy Mother's Day?

I'll be in Ireland this weekend. This makes me happy for a number of reasons.
1. I love Ireland
2. Beer
3. Looking forward to spending time with My Love, Yes, beer and Irelend trump him today ;)
4. We are traveling with friends that I adore. They are laid back and always fun!!!
5. I am guaranteed to find a four leaf clover somewhere in Ireland to bring back as Thursday's good luck charm.
6. They celebrated Mother's Day in Ireland several weeks ago so I can avoid it all together! If one person says "Next year will be your year", I will kill them. See photo above.

Otherwise I am great. No sarcasm. Really great. Totally chill about the upcoming transfer. I've been traveling and busy at work so I haven't thought about it much at all. That seems to be the best way to go into this. Very low pressure. We get home Tuesday, go straight to work and Ginny arrives on Wednesday. We'll spend the day running around and then the transfer is on Thursday. I wouldn't even have time to think about it if I wanted to!

Enjoying the Break

I've been enjoying the break from the madness. Ginny went for her weekly testing today and all looks good. She goes again next week and then we do the transfer the following week. Otherwise we are just doing lots of things OTHER than dealing with baby making. It turns out I can get a lot done when I am not constantly dealing with infertility. I'd forgotten what life was like before infertility.

Today I handed my husband 30 pregnancy tests, a cup to hold pee for these tests and a pile of prenatal vitamins for him to mail to another woman. That was a little strange, but at this point we are used to strange.

Back in the Saddle Again

Resilience. It’s not a word I use often nor a word I have ever taken time to consider. After some consideration this morning I think it is the most important word for any infertile woman to learn. ,

re·sil·ience

/rɪˈzɪlyəns, -ˈzɪliəns/ [ri-zil-yuhns, -zil-ee-uhns]

–noun

1.

the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.

2.

ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.

This morning while attempting to use makeup to cover my ghost white face and purple eye rings that resulted from The Weekend in Hell (more on that later), I was listening to BBC.  They aired a segment on the psychology of happiness. It's here http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00fz84k if you want to listen. I’ve been hearing a lot about this over the past few years and even read a book about it. It’s a newer branch of science. Measuring happiness and solving the mystery behind what does and does not make people happy. Think about it. We have so much more than anyone has ever had in history in terms of food, shelter, treatments and cures for previously deadly diseases, all of the modern conveniences, etc and somehow we seem LESS happy than previous generations. How is that possible? What is it going to take to make us happy????

One topic discussed on the program was the part that resilience plays in happiness. Resilence.  Why hadn’t I ever connected this dot before? That is the key to my current struggle. When I am at my lowest point I ask my friends who have been through this battle how they survived, each has told me that I just have to bounce back after each setback and keep going. This word “resilience’” was never used, but that is exactly what they have been telling me to find within myself.  The ability to bend with the changes or to bounce back when brought to your knees by grief.

In this BBC segment they interviewed a woman who is an General in the US Army. She was shot down and taken as a POW. She now runs a program about resilience for service members. She realized there were all kinds of programs for those who HAD a problem (I am guessing depression, PTSD and the like) but not enough measures were being taken to prevent these illnesses. When she was held captive she thought about the best and the worst possible outcomes to her situation. She came to grips with both. Once she had wrapped her head around the worst possible outcome and put everything in perspective it helped. It got me thinking. What’s my worst case scenario? It takes a few more years and we adopt?  What’s wrong with that other than the fact that I need to find some more patience? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  I have always wanted to adopt. My Love was the one who preferred an attempt to have a biological child. For the most part I have grieved the fact that I will never achieve a physical pregnancy. (By the way, it was hard to figure out how to phrase that last sentence. If this thing with Ginny ever works I will experience a pregnancy, our pregnancy, just not in my own body. It will all be second hand, but for the most part we will get to “live” an entire pregnancy. At this point that's close enough for me.) Okay, I was talking about the worst case scenario- finding patience within myself and adopting. Adopting is a dream I have always had and I will be able to fulfill if this plan doesn't work. For me that is a good thing. It does mean My Love and I will have to grieve the dream of seeing a child with his grandmothers eyes and my grandmother’s nose, but that is surely something we can get over.  This realization has taken a weight off of me that sometimes felt like a freight car of lead. If waiting and adopting is the worst case, no problem. As Ginny says, “I’ve got this!!!”

This segment also help me solve the mystery of the balloons that everyone keeps tying to me. I learned that optimism breeds optimism. So that is what’s happening!!! I need a new analogy. I don't thnk the balloons work anymore. Hmmm. I’ll need to noodle on that one and get back to you.  My optimism feeds on everyone else’s optimism and no matter how much I try to resist, I was unable to. Optimism breeds optimism. Thank you BBC for solving that mystery! I just need to focus on keeping all the optimists away ;)

I promised to tell you about The Weekend in Hell. You may have seen my Saturday post that has since been deleted. Once I got over the shock I realized it was incredibly inaccurate so I removed it. It was all my side of the story and none of hers. In this blog I try not to assign feelings to Ginny, so this is a total and complete guesstimate. She may tell me how she is feeling sometimes but I don’t want to put words in her mouth, betray any confidences or speak for her in any way. 90% of the time I don’t think most of us know what we are really feeling much less how someone else feels.  Writing this blog has helped me accept the fact that I am usually wrong about what I thought I was feeling at any given point. On Saturday I thought I was angry, but in fact I was hurt and scared. I think those two feelings quite often manifest themselves as anger. I am going to give you the seriously abridged version of The Weekend in Hell.  Ginny  wasn’t totally on board with the number of embryos we wanted to transfer next time (2) and thought perhaps she was not the GC for us and sent me an email voicing this concern. I read this and had a mini nervous breakdown. This is what I think happened. Fear+ high doses of progesterone=hell. I have been in that place. Those of you who have not cannot imagine what it feels like. I will never say that I had any idea what she was going through, but I imagine it to have been a combination of heartache for the loss of Sprout, fear of trying again, the impact it might have on her and her family if we fail and fear of succeeding but with twins (not something Ginny would look forward to), stirred up with a little pinch of every other possible emotion. Kind of an emotional allspice boiling in the pot. I was stewing in my own emotional allspice. Two women over seasoned with emotional allspice is not a tasty dish. Don’t worry. There were no harsh words spoken. There was just a whole lot of quiet while we both thought.  Well, I supposed I did more eating, freaking out and panicking than what you would traditionally describe as "thinking", but somehow I managed to process some of my emotions.  We have most of our conversations by email and it was strange to have such a Ginny-free inbox.  We’ve grown close. I love plotting and planning with her.  I was devastated at the thought of moving on without her, but I also could not bear the thought of any more single embryo transplants. The last one took a lot out of me. I know Ginny was in monumental pain too and THAT upset me. Can you imagine knowing that the sweetest person is hurting because she is trying to perform a miracle for you?? That pain of hurting her may be worse than the pain I feel for my own loss. That coupled with what I imagine My Love is feeling is just too much to bear more often than necessary. I really needed to transfer two embryos. I just need this to work.

There is not a single bone in my body that could ask Ginny to do something she didn’t want to do so I left it to her and My Love to decide if they wanted to do a single embryo transfer.  I was no longer capable of playing quarterback in a game where the chances of losing were so high. We’d all just played against this team last week and I knew they were capable of crushing me.  It was all too fresh in my mind and I hadn’t healed from the last thrashing we'd received. Before they could even send out the press release of my resignation as quarterback Ginny emailed me back and said she would accept a two-embryo cycle. The relief was almost as overwhelming as the despair.  That is my versionof our Weekend in Hell. I'm leaving tons out and Ginny will have her own version and My Love will have the third version. This is just my perspective at this moment.  I feel bad that we all had to go through it. I promise you it was no picnic, but at the end of the day we all reevaluated and recommitted to the team. I feel like we are stronger than ever now.  We’re moving forward quickly.  Ginny is already on cycle day 5 and taking her meds. She went for testing today. We are booked for the next transfer on the morning of Thursday, May  12^th.  They offered us Friday again, but after an April Fools Day transfer and beta on the 13^th , someone else can take the Friday the 13^th transfer thank you very much.  It seems fair to me. I think we all deserve a little break. Wish us luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!