Made with Love

I'm going to start by reassuring you that I haven't gone off the deep end. Yesterday's embryo transfer was still an attempt. It was an excellent one, but I am still aware of the odds and prepared for additional transfers if necessary. Regardless of whether or not yesterday results in a successful pregnancy, a miracle happened.

I have been trying to find a new church for a while now. I firmly believe that you don't have to attend church to experience goodness, God or spirituality in your life but I find the community that a church brings to be incredibly comforting. I was raised Catholic, but the Catholic Church and I disagree on too many things to continue our relationship. I have been casually dating other churches in an attempt to find "the one". A few weeks ago I attempted to attend our local Unitarian church. The mass started with "Good morning and Welcome to St. Luke's". Huh? Whatchu talking about Father????? Yup, I'd gone to the wrong church and I was sitting at our local Catholic Church. A Catholic church. During Lent. Ugh. Shoot me now. I thought it was too disrespectful to get up and walk out so I sat there. I went through the motions, sang the songs, etc until the priest started talking about repenting. He went on and on telling me to beg for forgiveness because God had given up his only son for me. The anger just kept growing and growing. I sat there thinking to myself that I had NOTHING to apologize to God for!!!!!!!!! He was the one doing this to me. He had the power to give us a child and instead he chose to torture us. He should be begging for MY forgiveness. At least God had a son!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was embarrassed to do this, but I got up and left. This required other people to get up so I could leave the pew, but I couldn't take it. I knew that if I didn't get out of there I was going to start screaming. Until that moment I had not realized how angry I was with God. I was PISSED and I am like the Hulk. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

I generally try to be a good person, but I don't read a bible or pray on a regular basis. The only time I get down on my knees and pray is in life or death situations. I don't thank God very often for all of the blessings in my life. I try and express my gratitude by helping others. The God I believe in prefers it that way. When I was in college I minored in theology. I find it fascinating. Until I found out that I was infertile my life had been pretty easy. That doesn't mean that bad things didn't happen in my life, but I hadn't battled a fatal disease, everyone close to me was alive and I always had a roof over my head. Other than puberty, nothing had happened to me that made me cry on a daily basis. I thought that people many used religion as a crutch. Phrases like "God works in mysterious ways" and "Everything happens for a reason" were bullshit. People who said that were weak and needed an excuse to help them deal with the bad things that were happening in their lives. I thought they should man up and deal with it.

Then yesterday happened. We attended a medical procedure that turned into a miracle. God does have a plan for us. The infertility that nearly broke me was a blessing in disguise. I'm sure many of you are rolling your eyes, but I was there and I know it happened. I think anyone who was there would agree. The last few days have been like a perfect dream, but I am going to share with you what happened for me in the operating room when they did the transfer.

Ginny and I were taken into the room. Two nurses and Dr. Seven were already there. Ginny got onto the table and the doctor began prepping her. I was sitting at her shoulder on a little stool. As I sat there I began to cry. Not big huge sobbing tears, but little tears of joy. I was just overcome with joy. Every single person who had helped us get to that moment was there with us. Not physically, but the love in the room was palpable. I reached up and put my hand on Ginny's shoulder. I was nervous to because she was in a hospital gown with her feet in stirrups and I was sure she was feeling very exposed. I wasn't sure I should be touching her, but I couldn't help myself. She reached up and held my hand and reassured me. It was amazing. I will never be able to find words to describe what happened in that moment. With the exception of my wedding day it was the most beautiful day of my life. I believe that everyone in the room felt it. The nurses and doctor were beaming at us. The embryologist was peeking through the window of the door grinning at us. It was amazing.

The doctor did the transfer which took one minute. They took Ginny out on a gurney and wheeled her back to the recovery room and I went to the waiting room to get Gregor, our acupuncturist, so he could give Ginny another treatment. I sat with My Love and told him what had happened and it happened all over again. The room filled with love, his eyes got misty and we held each other. A miracle. Seriously. Angels sang, there were rays of light all of that miracle kind of stuff. Well, maybe not really, but it was close.

This was God's plan. Those two moments, the one with Ginny and then again with My Love were miracles. This journey is a miracle. This journey, whether or not yesterday was a success, is going to be among the most beautiful of our lives. We've gone through hell so we can experience this. Everything we have been through was to bring us to yesterday. We may still have obstacles ahead of us, but I can't wait. This is going to be so much better than if we had been able to have a baby the "usual" way. Our child is going to be made with love. We are all sharing a miracle. All of the fear is gone. Thank you God for this gift. This is going to be the adventure of a lifetime and I can't wait.