Holding onto What I Haven't Got

This is not the end

This is not the beginning

Just a voice like a riot

Rocking every revision

But you listen to the tone

And the violent rhythm

Though the words sound steady

Something empties with em

We say yeah

with fists flying up in the air

Like we're holding onto something

that's invisible there

Cuz we're living at the mercy

of the pain and the fear

until we dead it

forget it

let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come

Wishing I had strength to stand

This is not what I had planned

It's out of my control

Flying at the speed of light

Thoughts were spinning in my head

So many thing were left unsaid.

It's hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on

I know how it feels to lie

All I want to do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room

Trying to forget the past

This was never meant to last

I wish it wasn't so

I know what it takes to move on

I know how it feels to lie

All I want to do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone

I thought it felt right but that right was wrong

All caught up in the eye of the storm

And trying to figure out

What's it's like moving on

And I don't even know what kind of things I said

My mouth kept moving

And my mind went dead

So picking up the pieces

Now where to begin

The hardest part of ending is staring again

All I want to do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven't got

This is not the end

The is not the beginning

Just a voice like a riot

Rocking every revision

But you listen to the tone

And the violent rhythm

Though the words sound steady

Something empties with em

We say yeah

with fists flying up in the air

Like we're holding onto something

that's invisible there

Holding on to what I haven't got

Well this post has taken a turn. I've had "The Waiting" by Tom Petty stuck in my head for the past two days. I had posted that video and some snarky comments about how annoying it was that the chorus was the only part that applied but keeping playing on a reel in my head.

I decided to see if there was another "Waiting" song that might be a better fit. This is what I found and it hit a lot closer, too close perhaps, to home. Old post deleted and new one started.

This song hit so hard I was sick to my stomach. This was not my normal level of nausea, but "should I run to the bathroom right now" kind of thing. It was like a punch in the stomach. I've probably listened to this song about a half dozen times in the past hour. I want to turn is up as high as I can and scream the lyrics out loud, but instead I sit in my glass office with it playing softly. When it gets really bad I stand at my window with my back to my co-works and cry. I'm sure they are wondering why I am staring out the window but I don't care. I want to go home and put this song on repeat and curl up in a ball, but instead I will sit at my desk for the next few hours telling myself that if I got some work done the hours would go by much more quickly.

I know it's all part of the journey and I should take this in stride, but today is one of those days that I fake it and put on a happy face. I'm trying REALLY hard today, but telling myself it'll all be fine just isn't working.